There is Something to Be Said for Anonymity...

I currently have a few blogs...well, I did...now I'm down to this one and one on multiply. This is a nice place to put things that will just sit in space and no one will ever read. I don't think anyone will, at least.



I can put out diatribes that have been crossing my mind. Things that I wonder about on the commute home. I rarely think about dinner, work or television. I'm normally thinking about large things, abstract things, all that sorta stuff...Here's a recent rambling:



The Power of Fear and the Exhilaration of Competition



Rather than release a bit of wisdom in the comments section of someone's blog, I will instead come to my little corner of the internet to talk through some logical thought where only those who mean to cross it will come.


Today, we spend some time discussing religion and why people love it so much. Human nature instills a fear of death upon us. Not so much of actually dying: the pain, etc...but missing out on life. Sure, how you die is a scary thing, but much easier to accept than missing out on everything around you. How do you escape such a thing?


You create an idea and sell it to the people around you. You create a place where you will go when you die. A place that is utopian (how is this even possible? the old saying 'your heaven looks just like my hell.' is completely true, it's impossible for a heaven to exist.) in basis and filled with everything you love. Everyone you love is there waiting for you. (How is utopian life worth having if you must sit and wait for people to die for years on end?) The place is also ran by a bi-polar superhuman. If you love Jonathan Edwards, God hates us. He does, very genuinely. We're just flies hanging from his web and he wants to drop us into a lake of fire...we just need to give him one good reason. However, if you're a fan of Jesus, he's the cool dad who just wants to hang with us and give us everything we want to be happy! Does that mean if you really LOVE heroin, he'll give you a permanent score without the jail time? Where does God's moral limits end? Really, is drug abuse immoral in God's eyes? There isn't really a bible verse about it. Hell, the people who WROTE the bible were most likely intoxicated when they did it.


The key to it all is that we're given this avenue and we blindly accept. The questions I asked above are irrelevant to 95% of the people who will be "going to heaven." They just want to go there. They're too scared to ask questions, they can't handle that when we die, that may be it.



We had our turn, we had our fun, we did what we could and now we're done. That's a scary thought, I'm not sure why, I, personally, am happy with this and couldn't imagine heaven a more meaningful reward than time with my family, friends and habits. Heaven would be like becoming a scientologist, I guess. You get pulled away, brainwashed and suddenly it's all that matters, not anything of substance. This could be it. Did I mention Heaven has changed many times depending on the theology? You can't really base your life's beliefs on an evolving story. Once the words are set, you can't really change them. What good is God if its constantly changing its mind?


The horror of religion is the fear it instills. Sure, it alleviates the fear of dying, in a way, but it instills more fear. It makes people afraid of everything. Basic human desires are preached to be sin. Sex is the only thing we're 100% on this planet to do. Prolonging the species. But it's one of the most revered of sins. How can you trust something that works so hard to make your only task outside of survival something to be reviled? Yeah, I know.


There are a number of ridiculous claims, just look at the 10 commandments, ridiculous. Our society and basic nature thrives on coveting that of others, but it's a sin? That alone should make christianity and most religions invalid, but they provide something far more important than a feeling of being logical and intelligent. It provides grounds for competition!
Competition is the best part of it. "I'm baptist, that's SOOOOO much more godly than being methodist!"


We love sports, we love video games, we love anything that can prove we're better than those around us. We strive for it. Religion offers the highest thrill of them all! We get to be right about eternity AND the supreme being. Sure, whatever you believe today is just a cheap knock-off of the early theologies (or some would say MYTHologies) but yours is just distilled down to the truth, right?


And we haven't even gotten to the Israel-Palestine conflict. Believing in Jesus should have you doing anything but attacking these people, but competition is more important than adhering to beliefs, right?


More death, lying, destruction and pain have come from relgion than anything else. A major cause of our war in Iraq is religion. Since the rise of Islam, Christians have been trying to destroy it. Just look at the Crusades and how they're still happening today. This from a religion that whined about its persecution from the Romans and others. What happened to "Do unto others..." ?


There is no God. Sorry, hate to ruin the fairy tale for you, but there is no God. You can argue, you can threaten bodily harm, you can do anything you like, but it won't make a magic man appear in the sky. Don't come back with the "Just because you don't believe..." There is nothing to believe, you can say you don't believe in anything and have it not be true. I'm saying definitively, there is no God. Life is energy, souls are energy. We move through the world and who knows what happens with the energy when we die, no one does except the dead (if anything happens post-death), but there is no God in the sky watching you and running your life.
You can't be afraid anymore, you can't waste the life you have and expect some reward when you die. You're only guaranteed right now on this earth, use the time to the best you can or waste it because you want to waste it...don't do it because some imaginary man will harm you when it's over. The security blanket of inaction needs to be tossed aside. Stop being scared and start doing things.


Decency will exist without a God there to administer imaginary justice. Morality will exist without a principal being there to do something AFTER the wrong has been done. Just be a good person. To quote a song: "You believe in authority, I believe in myself" That's the key, believe in yourself, be your own lord. If you're too weak to stand up to yourself by yourself, Sunday service begins at 9 a.m.



It's only a partially conceived notion, something about dedicating more time to writing about it seems hard. I hate the self-righteousness that it purveys, but sometimes, you need to scream into the abyss. No one is watching, no one is reading, so it's safe, right?

It's Been A While...

See that picture over there? That's me playing the last bit of noise at the last show Econo will play...unless we find a new bassist. The final shows were great, I must say, if we don't find another bassist and don't play another note as a band, we went out the right way. We played the finest set we could.

It was pretty exciting, to be honest. We were a mess in Beaumont since we didn't practice before the show, but Houston was where it all came together and we brought it down. I was proud of us and in that moment Tom and I REALLY wanted to keep it going at that moment, so I hope we do.

A lot of friends actually came out to the show, which was also a reward. It's nice to see some familiar faces in the audience and then see them look pretty into it. Casey and I discussed after the last Houston show whether people came out because they enjoyed the band or to be good friends. We decided it was most likely to be good friends, but on this night a few of the people looked to be genuinely into what we were doing, so I was proud.
We also sold some CDs to strangers. We made a live CD for the weekend and sold out of them and all of the CDs we repressed of our first release. While we were selling them dirt cheap ($3 a piece), it was nice to have people buy them and then come up to give us some compliments. I'd do what I'm doing regardless of public opinion, but having some people dig it is more rewarding than anything.

Also, last month was mine and Rayanna's 8th wedding Anniversary. Since we didn't have the children the weekend before, we made it the honorary celebration. I'm not sure how great it was for her travelling all over southeast Texas, being in clubs til all hours and sleeping maybe 3 hours a night, but I think she had a lot of fun and it showed me why I love her so much. We do everything together and have a lot of fun doing it.

Hell, I never had a girlfriend more than a few months before I met Rayanna and now we've been married for 8 years. It has had its rough moments, being on welfare, having no money, etc. But it's gotten to the best point ever in the past year. I've never been more proud of my wife and felt more lucky to be married to her. That may sound all mushy to some of you...8.5 year ago me would have read this and went "fag!" but it makes more sense in the moment, you know?

Sorry I've neglected writing at this local. I've been really busy with life. In the past year, I've played 12 shows, put out 2 CDs for my band, release 4 more on our label, recorded a couple albums with Tom, recorded an album on my own, done some work as a porn photographer, covered concerts, kept the law center up and running, visited with friends and tried to do the best I could with my time. I think no one can say I don't live my life as fully as I can...and I've kept my wife and kids there the whole time. That's what I'm most proud of.

Protecting the Vision...

It's funny, you know. Sometimes you're supposed to relax and trust other people with your ideas and visions. It's part of the experience, putting your fate in the hands of others. Well, I'm not too good at that, I guess.

This past week, I opened a studio. Sure, it's nothing overly amazing, but, it's enough to record us and other bands for demos and EPs. I opened it with Tom McMurray, who is an old friend of mine. He's the talent of the operation, but I know enough to get by. The point is, it's another aspect of control over the band. Perhaps I'm being too controlling, I don't know. Jamil is also part of the venture, though he's more of a financial contributor since he doesn't know the equipment and is normally to busy to learn.

It's not a bad deal overall, $350 a month for a space in a warehouse used for bands as rehearsal spaces. We moved everything in this week and have actually started recording. Since Tom joined in on the recording venture, he's also been brought in on the band. Jamil moved back to bass and Tom is now playing drums. It's been a nice shift. Tom is much more sound as a drummer and Jamil is much more comfortable with a bass strapped on.

Right now, we're making the holiday push. We're out of the studio space and just enjoying the slow life until Tuesday. Then, it's back to work. Teaching the songs to Tom, and in some ways, Jamil. But, it shouldn't be too bad. In the end, we'll be a lot better because of it. And, the songs will take a much stronger feel.

That's it for now...it won't take a month to post again, I promise. Who do I promise? Myself...no one else reads...

Significance Between The Lines...

Second entry time, where to go from the first. The joy of writing to an empty space that very few people will ever stumble upon is the complete openness. I could ramble in any direction and just amuse myself in the future at what comes forth. I guess I will go back to music. It's my rock, the steadfast addiction.

It's been a long time since I started as a music journalist. I use that term loosely, since I was never compensated beyond a few dollars here and there, but by definition, that is what I was. It seems so long ago that I was a kid taking a $10 point and shoot to punk shows and trying to get anything we could put with a review. The early days of the zines and website are embarassing by my standards of today, but at the time, it was awesome.

This is where we go back to the topic before. Yesterday. Those days were so new and everything was exciting. I was nervous before shows, constantly checking everything. Before I quit a couple weeks ago, I never checked anything, felt bored most of the time I was covering shows and pretty much felt like I was burdened to do it. I had lost that fire I had so many years ago. I had seen behind the curtain and realized musicians weren't any better than me. In fact, they were kids or adults like those I've known my whole life. They're just playing music to pay their bills...and few can do that.

I think the personalizing of the music world kills a lot of that. We see their flaws, we see the problems and we're not as much seeing those we're amazed by or those we respect, we're seeing someone we've developed an unhealthy obsession with. That's why all these tabloids harass people to no end. We become the scorn ex-girlfriend or the estranged family member role to ourselves. We feel this connection when there is nothing to be had.

While I can say I've never felt that way, as a society, we have that happen. All of the people I've wanted to meet have been out of musical admiration. I could care less who these people have been/are fucking, what their kids like, etc. When I covered Aerosmith last week, Tommy Lee walked out near where I was sitting. I looked over and we made eye contact, he said "Hey!" so I replied "Hey..." then he was gone. I wasn't thinking "Wow, that's the dude who made a porno with Pamela Anderson" or anything else, I just thought it was cool to share a word with one of the top drummers in rock music. It would be like meeting anyone who leads their field, you have to be a bit happy to share even just one word with them.

Admiration is completely different from fanaticism (it's a word to me!). When I was a kid, I played football. I went to charity basketball game where the Oilers played the Galveston Fire Department in basketball. I got to meet William Fuller. While everyone was asking how much money he had, etc. I just wanted to pick up some tips on getting through the offensive line and picking up a couple sacks. Instantly, he lost his bored face and pulled me to the side and showed me some moves. He was really gracious and was excited someone was there to learn from him.

That stuck with me forever. If I'm going to meet someone who does something I respect, I shall be kind towards them and ask them things that they care about. I'm not worried about their celebrity, I want to know what they did to become the best at what they do. Of course, on the flipside of the coin, I met Haywood Jeffries that night and he was a "celebrity" as they come. He was dismissive, had two girls who appeared to be hookers on his arm and signed 5 autographs before saying his hand was tired. Jeffries just showed up for halftime...he couldn't be bothered to play the game.

That also stuck with me. You can't be dismissive to people. Sure, sometimes people ask dumb questions, you should at least listen and give some sort of response. Even if it's to say it was a dumb question. You should always take time.

Where does that tie into everything? I guess in my mind, if I ever achieve any sort of notoriety, I would never dismiss those who support me...nor those who don't. If I'm worth their time, they're worth mine. I just think that's the way life should be.

And so it begins...

While most people walk away from being a rock journalist bitter and full of anger. I got to leave on my own terms. I walked away from writing to live the dream. Sure, there will be nightmarish moments and points where I'm burnt out. I've been playing music a long time and well, there has been more pain, sorrow and frustration than you will ever know.

Those tears that poured over the beauty of a Woody Guthrie song and the accompanying fear that I could never compose anything that profound...the feeling of amazement mixed with the sadness of my own shortcomings when I hear the intro to Out There by Dinosaur, Jr...the feeling I may not be as emotionally linked to my music as someone like Amanda Palmer of the Dresden Dolls is. Just like anything, you feel the excitement of seeing something special, but you wish it could be you creating the amazement.

So, I sit here now. A Monday. Sitting at my desk at work. I'm staring at the monitor, thinking of all the work-related things I could be doing instead of this, but feeling a bit of urgency that leads me to write out some thoughts I have. I feel the need to keep the mission at hand right at the top of the list. We must make music.

Jamil and I promised ourselves when we started this band that as long as we were both there, it would never dissolve. Even if life threw us a curveball and we were unable to play for an extended period of time, we'd never dissolve. Even if we only played once a year, it'd still happen. We wanted to make sure we kept an honest vow to each other. Like brothers or knights in the battlefield, we took an oath to never stop, to never waver from our end and now we stand forever waging a battle against those who don't love music and those who keep wishing for the "glory of yesterday."

That is my single most persistent enemy...yesterday. So many people sit and talk about the glory of yesterday. I was just reading Amanda Palmer's blog and it bothered me to see her quotes from an older critic who went on and on about the Who and how no one could touch that these days. I call bullshit. I've seen it with my own eyes, I've felt it with my own heart and soul. I've been touched and had my life altered by music. I can name specific moments that changed my being forever:

1) Hearing Primus' Frizzle Fry album. I immediately needed a bass. I begged my mom and she bought me one for my 15th birthday. I got my learner's permit and a bass on the same day. It was great. I played nonstop from that point on. For 2.5 years, I plugged away on that bass and worked to do something good.

2) Hearing Son Volt's Trace. I remember being all into punk rock, playing guitar in some crappy little bands and being all about PUNK ROCK!!! Then, I'm laying on the couch at my house I had in college and my roommate puts this album on. At first, I wasn't overly impressed. Then "Ten Second News" came on. I literally felt this sickness in my stomach, this feeling of hopelessness and fear. All from the somber vocals and the whine of the lap steel. Right there, I knew the power music could have. It could evoke physical feelings within you besides excitement and jumpiness, it could affect you in all ways. That song taught me music had a power beyond anything I had ever dreamed.

3) Seeing Avail live. This is the greatest live band EVER. You can say what you want and make a case for anyone, but this is the best live band I've ever seen. These are 5 guys from Richmond, VA who know they're just like everyone else and do their best to mix with the audience and bring their dirt-covered punk/southern rock tunes with the utmost urgency and inclusion. There is nothing needed to be a part of the show other than yourself. No pagentry, no pretention, nothing but straight-forward rock and good times.

4) Seeing Inquisition play the APV Room. This was a band I'd never heard before, but they came out at this show, which was put on at the Allen Parkway Village to try and stop the city from tearing it down and kicking out all the people who made their home there, and completely brought it. They were full of energy, intelligence and talent. They played great songs and vocalist Thomas Barnett did a great job relaying the message behind each song before going into them. He made short speeches to make the audience aware. They weren't 5 minute rants, just short intros to the songs, which I've always enjoyed.

There are other moments, but these are the 4 that stand out right now. These were the 4 that set me on the path back when I was in high school. Nearly a decade ago.

The point is, in the world today, I still have moments where I am completely enamoured with music and have my life changed. When I lost hope for a while, I heard Against Me!'s Reinventing Axl Rose and it gave me more life. It showed more people still cared and made music they believed in. No matter where a band ends up, you can't forget those magical moments where they and you believed the world could be changed by a song. I think it still can be changed, I think so many people give up before the fight is over. The world needs someone to hold onto that conviction and fight until the end. I hope Jamil and I are that band.